Worth Less Than a Thousand Words
by BarthVader
Summary: Assorted drabbles with some occasional continuity inbetween them. Mostly about Eds and Kankers, because that's what I'm good at.
1. The Tomboys and The Girly Girl

**REASONS**

"What's so cool about Eddy, anyway?" Nazz asked. "I mean, don't get me wrong, he's cool as a friend, but as someone more..."

Lee turned to her. "You wanna a 'white trash pervert' answer or a serious answer?"

"Serious answer please."

The redhead sighed. "A lil' bit of pragmatism. The moment he finds out no one will try to lynch him when he starts sellin' shit that doesn't maim the buyer, he's goin' to get some good cash. Not millions, but enough for a decent life. An'," she raised her fingers, "before ya call me a gold digger or somethin', there's more to that."

"Dude, I wasn't thinking anything like that!" the blonde reacted. "But go on, it sounds interesting."

"Y'see," Lee continued. "he won't admit it, but we've got a lot in common, him an' I. He's the type a guy who I could, y'know... _coexist_with him like with someone equal, not like with Ed or Two-D. An' compared to the dudes from the 'park, he's got the manners of a British lord."

Nazz was slightly flabbergasted by the Kanker's in-depth answer. "Wow... And just outta curiosity:" she asked, "if I would pick the 'pervert' option, what would be your answer?"

Lee smirked. "Have you seen the _monster _in his pants?"

The blonde rolled her eyes.

"That's the serious reason number three, by the way." the redhead added.

**FEMINISM**

Nazz pulled out a shirt with a slogan and a sign from her school locker and inspected it.

"Whatcha doin', blondie?" Lee peered from behind her back.

"I'm going to a feminist rally after class." the other girl replied, proud. "Just checking my equpment."

The redhead snatched the piece of clothing from the blonde and unfolded it.

"Don't tell me to watch my drink, _tell them to not rape me_." She groaned. "Yeah, as if this'll work."

Nazz raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah, let's stop perverts from rapin' people." She made a ball out of the shirt and tossed it back to the locker. "And since we're at that, let's stop pedophiles from kidnappin' children, gangs from murderin' people and politicians from feedin' us bullshit. The whole movement, like every other, is aimin' for a utopia, somethin' that we won't achieve, 'cause humans are dicks, and that's how the world works."

"Oh really?" Nazz crossed her arms. "So, I'm supposed to just sit down and accept that some people won't treat me as a human being, just because I was born a woman?!"

Lee raised her hands slightly. "No, of course not!"

"So how am I supposed to deal with the inequalities in the society?"

With a single spin of her wrist Lee pulled out a balisong knife and opened it.

"The only way that _works._"She closed the knife and shoved it into the girl's hand. "More effective than a thousand of your rallies."

**SMALLTALK**

Nazz couldn't help but smile.

She was sitting on the park bench, staring at the ducks swimming in the pond, amused. She loved coming here after school, to recharge her batteries and relax after a stressful day. The weather was lovely, not too cold but not to hot as well, and her bench was covered by a shade from a nearby oak. She leaned her head back a bit and closed her eyes, letting herself drift away a bit.

Her meditation was interrupted by someone jumping onto the bench from behind and saying:

"Hey, blondie!"

Before the girl could process it, Marie Kanker was already sitting next to her, with her arm around Nazz's shoulder.

"'Scuse me, what was your name again?"

"Nazz." The blonde sighed. "Do you want to berate me for talking to Double D, oh, excuse me," she put up her fingers to make air quotes, "'stealin' your boyfriend' again?"

"No, no, no!" the blue-haired girl raised her free hand a bit. "I just need..." she paused for a moment, mincing the words in her mouth. "I need your help."

The blonde girl tilted her head slightly. "With what?"

"Y'see," Marie explained, "I want to... get a bit closer to Double D without freakin' him out. An' I have no clue how to do it. Any ideas?"

"Well," Nazz replied uneasily, "I don't know if I can help. I can't just snap my fingers and make him want to spend time with you."

"Aw c'mon, can you at least gimme some tips?" the blue-haired girl insisted.

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Dude, Double D is a forgiving fellow, I think walking to him and trying to strike a normal conversation will work just fine."

"Really?" the girl cheered up.

"Yes. Try to find a topic that you both know something about, and then it'll go on its own..." she paused, as she noticed something with a corner of her eyes. "Speak of the devil." She pointed at the boy himself, sitting four benches away, too absorbed with a calculus book to notice either of the girls.

The tomboy took a deep breath and stood up. "Alright, casual conversation, something in common. Easy as pie."

The blonde followed her. "I'll keep you company." Noticing Marie scowl, she added, "I'm Double D's friend, he will be a bit more relaxed with me around. Besides, he knows I'm taken."

"You are? Good to know." The blue-haired girl cracked her fingers. "Let's do this."

They both walked to the bench Edd was sitting on. Marie sat next to him, while Nazz placed herself on the edge, behind her.

"Double D?" The blue-haired girl piped up.

The boy looked up and recoiled slightly, noticing who was talking to him. Then, he noticed the other girl mouthing to him "It's okay, relax." from behind her and calmed down a bit.

"H-h-hello Marie."

"Hi sw- Double D, I just wanna talk to you a bit."

"Oh." the boy muttered, raising an eyebrow.

A short pause followed, as Marie tried to find a good topic, with Edd staring at her, afraid but curious.

_A topic we both know something about, she though. What are we both doing... What does everybody do in their free time..._

"You watched any good porn lately?"

The boy's eyes widened in shock, while Nazz's jaw dropped.

"There's been that recent flick, Pizza Takeout Obscenity, and there was that big-breasted actress, I've forgotten her name..."

"Excuse me," the boy backed away further, "but I've forgotten I must iron my coverlets. Salutations!" he jolted away, almost breaking his life record, darting out of the park.

Marie watched the boy run away, then, after he disappeared from her sight, turned to Nazz. The blonde had hid her face in her hands.

"I've messed up."

"You've messed up."

**DAMSELS IN DISTRESS**

A summer evening had seen two girls walking down the street.

"Why the hell are ya helpin' me with this?" Lee asked, with a loaded rucksack on her back.

"Because you asked me." Nazz replied, with two bags of groceries in her hands.

The redhead raised an eyebrow (not that someone could see it through her fringe). "For the past, like, four years, I've been treatin' ya and everyone else like crap, and now you're lendin' a hand just because I said 'please'?"

Nazz nodded, prompting the other girl to sigh.

"I ain't gonna do anythin' to ya - I have some standards, y'know - but you've gotta be more distrustful towards people."

"No, you've gotta be more trustful." Nazz disagreed. "What did the world do to you to make you so bitter?"

"It's a long story. An' I don't really wanna tell it."

As they turned into a dark alleyway, they've noticed a person wearing a hoodie and covering their face with a bandana. Both of the girls instantly made a step backwards, only for him to growl:

"Don't move."

"An it's gettin' longer every day." the redhead muttered, as her companion dropped the groceries on the ground. The man pulled the switchblade out of his pocket and opened it.

"Your cash, cell phones, everything. Now!" he demanded, alternating between pointing the knife at the girls.

Lee started to analyze her situation. The guy was standing far enough for her to pull out and open her balisong without getting cut in the meantime, and then the odds would be more or less even. Though in that setup, the blonde remained defenseless, and the Kanker was kind of bothered by that, not wanting her to get hurt.

Her concerns disappeared almost instantly, as Nazz had charged forward, delivering a powerful blow to the mugger's stomach. As he dropped his knife, she followed with several punches to his face. Lee stared in shock, as the dumbfounded guy, not expecting such resistance, retreated with the speed that most short-distance runners could only dream of.

"Don't tell me this moves are useful for a babysitter." the redhead mumbled, watching the man disappear in the distance.

"Nah, I just took your views on feminism into consideration." She crouched to pick up a discarded switchblade. "You're collecting those, aren't you?"


	2. The Harmless Blonde

**QQ**

May was probably the calmest of the Kanker sisters.

"_You fucking idiots!_"

With one single exception.

"_I was shouting that there's a Spy behind you, you mental cases, you just had to turn around and blast him in the fucking face with your cock extensions! But no, anything more complicated that shooting a retarded Sniper glued to his motherfucking scope is too much for your pea-sized brain to handle, and I had to kill him with a bonesaw after he assraped you to death! A fucking bonesaw!_"

Hoping for some sort of a ceasefire, the Eds had bought the girls a computer for Christmas. It wasn't anything top-shelf, but just enough to satisfy the needs of an everyday user. Lee rarely approached the PC, Marie used it to download some yaoi pics and stories, and May was playing multiplayer games on it.

"_And when I give you an Ubercharge, eight second of cock-mangling invincibility, and you have eight sticky bombs in the magazine, you go forward and blast that motherfucking sentry gun into small metal bits, that you later jam up the enemies' asses! YOU DON'T RETREAT LIKE A LIMP DICK THAT YOU ARE!_"

The girls quickly noticed that the skill of May's teammates was inversely proportional to the volume of her voice. Marie covered her ears with a pillow, while Lee adjusted the earplugs and continued reading one of the few of her sister's books that didn't contain naked males.

"_I'm gonna find ya! I'm gonna find ya by the fuckin' IP, break into your house, tie you to a bed and bite your fucking half-inch dick off! Then I'll shove it into your mouth so deep you're gonna need a surgeon to remove it, you flaccid sons of bitches!_"

The sound of a thrown headset followed. Lee put down the book and looked at her blonde sister stepping out of the room, pissed.

"Remind me," the redhead pulled out a single earplug, noticing that the storm was over, "why do you play with other people?"

She shrugged. "Because it's fun, when you ain't playing with _brain-dead cocksucking-_"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it." she returned to reading. "And the scotch tape is in the drawer if you broke the headset again."

**THE TROUBLES OF A DESIGNER**

**Loosely based on a joke.**

The blue-haired woman looked at the neon hanging above the entrance to the car yard.

"Eddy and Edd's Used Cars &amp; Repairs" she muttered. "Lee always suspected he'd end up like that."

"Marie!" one half of the duo waved to her. "I've been waiting, come to the office." Eddy pointed at the small shack, and they both entered. The girl sat down on the stool opposite the desk labelled "The Big Boss". _Still compensatin', _she smiled.

"So, Mr Businessman, what do you want?"

"You've been making websites for quite a while, right?" the man started, sitting on a big rotating chair.

"Yeah." she said. "More as a side job, but still."

Eddy clasped his hands. "Would you do one for me? Y'know, it would contain the yard's address, pictures of cars, info about the opening hours..."

"Yeah, obviously." She took off a backpack and pulled a folder from it. "Now, my rates are..."

"Um, can you do this for free?"

Marie silently counted to twenty. "What I'm going to get from this, then?" she asked, doing her best to not show how annoyed she was.

"I'm gonna tell all my friends that you've made an awesome website for me."

Marie knew full well she should keep her sharp wit at bay, but couldn't resist herself.

"How about you give me a car for free? I'm gonna tell everyone how awesome it was and how I'm content with it?"

* * *

"So it ended with a lil' barter." Marie finished, pointing at the white subcompact with the car yard's advertisement painted on it.

Lee smirked. "Good ol' Eddy."

"To his credit, it runs like a dream."

**MATING RITUALS**

"So?" Lee looked at the boys. "Whatcha think?"

Before the other two could say something, Edd stepped forward. "Gentlemen, I'll handle this, okay?" He turned to the girls. "Ladies," he spoke up, "for starters, I deeply appreciate that you've decided to try and win our hearts in a way that doesn't cause harm to me, my friends and the surroundings. And to be honest, I myself don't mind being... well, asked out, in a way, by a woman. And... I must also bring attention to the sheer... effort and dedication you've put into all this. I mean, I've been playing on an instrument for a few years and I can attest that this isn't as simple as-"

"Cut to the point, sweetie!" Marie interrupted. "What's the problem?"

"What's the problem?" Eddy shouted. "You tried to serenade us with fucking _Blurred Lines_!"

**WEAK**

**or With Apologies To That Other Blonde I Know**

May sat down on the staircase in the abandoned house, breathing heavily. The punching bag hung under the ceiling was swinging slowly, after the last powerful punch she threw before taking a break.

She rubbed her aching palms a bit and grabbed a bottle of water standing nearby. As she unscrewed the cap, the memories of last few days flashed in her mind again.

The dark alley. Her, having a little evening walk. The guy in a hood with a knife, telling her to hand over the cash.

The girl glanced at the barely noticeable three inch line on her left arm. A cut in its place, and blood seeping from it, was the last thing the girl remembered before passing out. The mugger must have freaked out, because when she was awoken, he was nowhere to be seen, and two dollars forty one cents she had in her pocket were still there.

_Even that fucking blonde skank can defend herself, _she thought, recalling an incident Lee mentioned at the dinner a few weeks prior. She took a few gulps from the bottle, and put it back, returning to the now-still bag.

Someone up above must have been watching for her, because out of all the inhabitants of Peach Creek, she was found by Eddy, and instead of doing a one-eighty and walking away, as she would expect, he called an ambulance and informed her sisters what happened. She briefly smiled, recalling how disturbed they were, what threats were tossed towards the unknown assailant, how they promised her she won't be doing chores for the next month, "to let it heal up properly", even though the doctor assured it was just a shallow flesh would.

_Big enough for me to pass out in that goddamn alley. _She hit the bag with a jab, followed by a cross. She repeated that a few times, before noticing a crimson liquid dripping from her knuckles.

She felt sick, her legs became wobbly, her heart started beating faster, and her breath sped up. Doing her best to ignore all of those, she delivered another blow.

_I._

Short straight-punch.

_Ain't._

A swing.

_Gonna._

An overhand.

_Be._

A straight.

_A damsel!_

A powerful hook.

_In distress!_

A diving punch.

A rusty bolt on the ceiling gave way, causing the bag to fall on the floor with a loud slap. After taking three long breaths to calm down, May looked at her hands. Her knuckles were red with blood. With an unsure motion, she walked to the discarded bottle and downed it.

_It's enough for today. _Tossing the empty container behind her, she slowly rose and, step by step, moved to the exit, averting the gaze from her palms and cursing at herself for not bringing band-aids.

_But I will be back tomorrow._


	3. More Of The Same

**ON TIME**

The Kankers' mother pulled a vibrating cell phone from her pocket and answered the call. "Whaddaya want, Lee?"

"Nothing, Ma." the redhead replied. "I just miss ya, and wanted to ask when you'll get home."

The woman smiled. "You don't have enough time, I'll be home in three minutes. Say hi to Eddy from me." She hung up.

Lee hid the phone and turned towards the kitchen. "She's going to be home soon, hurry up with that dinner!" she shouted to the boy by the oven.

"Relax." the boy reassured. "The potatoes are done, I just need to fry the pork chops and FUCK ME!"

The redhead sighed. "Did you burn yourself with the oil _for the third time?_"

"Gimme a break." he grumbled.

**SYMPATHY FOR THE KANKER, DELETED SCENE**

A few moments earlier, the tall Ed led out the blonde Kanker out of the trailer.

"So, are you really a succubus?" he asked, excited.

"Yes." She smiled sleazily, moving closer to him. "And I'm capable of things beyond your mortal comprehension…"

"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…" he couldn't contain his excitement. "Could you fly me around?"

Instead of replying, she pulled him by the collar and stared into his eyes.

"I can _fly you around_ for as long as you want to…" she whispered.

"Just… for the record, we're talking about real flight, yes?" he asked, slightly dumbfounded.

May looked at him with puzzlement.

"…what?"

"I mean, what else could I mean by that?" the boy shrugged.

"Sex."

For a few seconds, Ed stared at her like she's the weird one of the two. "Girl, you have a pair of wings, you can shoot fire from your hands, you won't be more cooler unless you somehow can shoot shurikens and lightning! Do you seriously expect a guy to look at you and go 'yep, her tits are the best thing about her'?"

"Uh huh." She replied without missing a beat.

The boy facepalmed.

**MAGIC WORDS**

"Alright," the eldest Kanker sighed, adjusting her tank top and putting her fist on Edd's door, "we want him to _help us, a_ct _nice._"

"Geez, Lee." Marie rolled her eyes. "We _can_behave in public. You don't hafta point out how are we supposed to act."

Reassured, the redhead hit the door repeatedly.

"We come in peace!" May added.

A few seconds later the door was cracked, kept from being fully opened by a chain latched to it. "W-w-what do you want?" the boy asked.

"So," Lee started, "it's our mom's birthday in a few days. We want to surprise her by repaintin' the trailer, and we wondered if you have some spray guns or somethin' that could help us."

The boy rubbed his chin. "Come to think of it... hmmm..." He pulled out a notebook labelled 'past inventions' and flipped its pages. "...ah ha!" He turned it to the girls, showing a blueprint of a semi-automatic paintbrush. "It was a side project of mine, I do believe it's still somewhere in the basement..."

"Sweet!" The bluenette stuck her hand through the crack causing Edd to back away a bit. "Gimme!"

"Not so fast, ladies." the boy raised his finger. "I didn't hear a magic word."

Lee tilted her head. "Abracadabra?"

"Wha-no!" the boy reacted. "What word do you use when you want someone to do something for you?"

After a beat, all three Kankers replied.

"Fiver?"

"Blowjob?"

"Do it or I'll stab ya?"

Edd facepalmed. "I'm dealing with sociopaths..."

Eddy appeared next to the girls. "Did someone say 'fiver'?"

**VENGEANCE**

Eddy's entire body was glowing white.

The ground underneath his feet was scorched. His clothes were damaged by the flames covering his entire body. His balled up fists were twitching slightly in rage. Clenching his teeth, the boy eyed three sisters cowering and inching away from him. The entire ordeal was watched by the boy's terrified friends.

"P-please, Eddy, don't do anything you wil regret in the future!" Edd pleaded.

"I ain't gonna regret burning those skanks to ashes!" Balls of flame started forming in short Ed's palms.

May and Marie hid behind Lee, who knelt, sticking her right hand forward and putting her left one on the ground.

"Can't we just sit down and talk?" she asked, doing her best to not show how scared she was.

"SIT DOWN AND TALK?" The stout Ed shouted, and the spheres he was holding grew in size. "AFTER YEARS OF HAVING TO DEAL WITH YOU TREATING US LIKE YOUR PERSONAL DICKPUPPETS, NOW WHEN I CAN PUT YOU IN YOUR PLACE, YOU WANNA SIT DOWN AND TALK?"

"Eddy, stop!" Ed begged.

"_NO! FUCKING! WAY!_" He opened his fists, letting out two streams of flames. "_BURN IN HELL, CUNTS!_"

The next thing Eddy registered was Edd's fading shriek of pain.

**PREPARED**

**Just to be on the safe side, this drabble contains black comedy that might trigger or upset some of ya folks. You have been warned **

To put it mildly, Marie wasn't content.

She had spent the afternoon trying to find some old computer parts in the junkyard, to build herself an improvised computer. After wasting hours digging through various rubbish, all she got was hungry and tired. The sun was slowly beginning to set, and she decided to give up for now and return to the trailer.

As she turned around to leave, a devilish smirk appeared on her face. She had noticed a familiar black cap sticking out from behind a moderately high pile of junk. The boy was prolly searching from some stuff for yet another of short stack's scams. With a short running start, she sprung over the pile and tackled a boy, who at the last moment managed to sidestep, only for the girl to grab him by the collar. Both ended up falling flat on the ground, a few inches apart from each other.

"Good Lord!" the boy shrieked, looking at his shirt. "The dirt stains will never come off!"

"Sometimes you've gotta get a little dirty." Her grin got even wider. "You know what I want, sweetheart."

Then her stomach let out a long, low growl.

"Something to eat?" the boy smiled awkwardly.

"That's number two on the list."

"Will a small snack be enough for a 'get out of jail free' card?"

After a short while needed to consider the offer, Marie muttered:

"Alright, fine."

She stood up and helped the boy, who pulled out something wrapped in tinfoil and a small carton from his shorts pocket. "A ham and cheese sandwich, made today, with orange juice on the side." The bluenette grabbed it from the boy, tore the foil away and started munching rapidly. "In case it won't suffice, I have a few dried fruits and a small bottle of sparkling water as well." the boy proposed. "And a few toothpicks, if necessary."

The blunette swallowed a bite. Most of the sandwich was already gone. "...do you always carry that much food on yourself?"

"Well, yes." the boy replied, slightly embarrassed. "Call me paranoid, but I prefer to be prepared for as many emergencies as possible."

The grin reappeared on the girl's face. "So," she got in the boy's personal space and stared him in the eyes "are you prepared for me dragging you behind that pile of junk, tearing our clothes off in the heat of passion and having my way with ya?"

To her surprise, Edd didn't emote. "Actually, I am." he replied, without missing a beat. Then, he pulled a small glass capsule from underneath his hat and showed it to Marie.

The girl raised an eyebrow. "What is it?"

"Potassium cyanide." The boy kept a straight face. "One gram, enough for me to die a quick and painless death and avoid humiliation."

Marie's eyes widened, as she found herself unsure of how to react. After a few seconds filled with fear with a dab of guilt, the boy, still not emoting, replied:

"I was joking."

For a second, the girl was too disturbed to react. "That's-_that wasn't funny, Double D!_"

"Neither was your rape threat." The boy retorted, as a faint smirk appeared on his face. "I guess with the amounts of paranoia your family causes me on a daily basis, I deserve a small amount of harmless retribution from time to time."

Marie wanted to argue about the harmlessness of that prank, but gave up. "Alright," she raised her hands a bit. "I promise to not rape you and ask thrice if you wanna have sex or something, and you promise to not kill yourself."

"Promise my lack of consent will matter and we have a deal." The boy outstretched his hand.

The girl energetically shook it. "Now, throw away that thing." she demanded.

"It's not cyanide, I lied about that." The boy inspected the glass sphere. "It's a prototype smoke bomb, that I can potentially use for disorienting the assailants and escaping. Vide..."

Before the girl could react, Edd threw the ball down with a sharp motion and a puff of smoke instantly covered both of them. The girl stepped out of the cloud, trying to dissipate the smoke and coughing, only to notice the boy was gone, having fled the scene.

"Well played, ya marvelous bastard." she muttered, and walked back home, finishing her sandwich.


	4. Showing Lumpy Some Love

**CHARACTER DEPTH**

May casually strolled into Ed's kitchen, with eyes on the prize and crimson red lipstick on her lips.

She was one-hundred percent sure she had noticed the boy fleeing here, and knew for a fact there's no other way out. Her boyfriend was hidden somewhere here, cornered. She only had to lure him out.

"Honey!" she exclaimed in a sing-song voice. "I've got your favorite breakfast material here!" She scanned the surroundings, waiting for a reaction. "It's... buttered toast!"

A nearby cupboard sighed. "Aw, come on..."

The door opened and Ed fell out, with a huge pot on his head. "Alright, May, listen." He lifted it off and stood up. "I like buttered toast. I'd want a piece of a buttered toast right now. That doesn't mean I'm just gonna step outta cover because you promised a snack. I'm not that stupid."

The blonde stared at him, confused, not sure how to react. After a few seconds, the subtle scowl on the boy's face indicated that the realization had hit him.

"...crap." He facepalmed, annoyed at himself. May started giggling.

**EDD READS FANFICTION**

Edd was sitting by his desk, with an Internet browser open, and his face hidden in his palms, when his friends entered his room.

"Sockhead, I've got a one-hundred-percent failproof-" the stout Ed stopped, noticing that his friend didn't react to his greeting. "...Sockhead?"

"Is Double D broken?" Ed asked.

The sockheaded boy sighed. "No, I am not. I simply decided to search my nickname on the internet."

Eddy rolled his eyes. "Lemme guess, you found a ton of boobs?"

"Worse." Edd sighed. "I've found fanfiction of us."

"Story time!" The tall Ed pushed his friend away and started reading out loud. "_Obama chuckled. 'You mean the Chaos Emeralds?'_"

Edd closed the laptop. "Trust me, this isn't anything you want to read."

"Jeez, Double D, relax." the three-haired boy groaned. "It's just a buncha bored nerds writing stuff, what could be that horrible about it?"

"You see," the middle Ed spun on his chair and faced his friends. "a lot of people just cannot express their opinion in a normal way."

"Huh?"

The boy explained. "We are talking about situations in which a character goes out of their canon personality and starts ranting about a certain way of doing... anything, really, being incorrect, immoral or improper. I mean, it's okay to have an opinion, but having a fictional character outright stating it in a one-sided monologue with everyone agreeing to him is a trademark of horrible writing. It's bad, don't do it."

"Wise words." Ed said.

"True that." Eddy seconded.

**OUT OF THIN ED**

"Zoom! Boop! Whee!" Ed was running around the playground, waving around one of his spaceship models. "Captain Mikhail Kalashnikov flies around space, killing evil aliens!" He lowered the toy, just a few inches from the ground. "Flying below the radars! Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew!"

Suddenly, he froze in place, with very little regard to conservation of momentum. "Beep! Beep! Beep!" He lifted the model to his eye level. "The scanner shows a depraved space succubi from planet Flush is spying on me to devour my soul through the lips."

The boy moved the rocket away, only to see May standing in plain sight on the other side of the playground, giggling to herself.

"Initiate tactical withdrawal!" He pulled a grappling hook from out of his jacket and shot it sideways. "Aribederechi Roma, space demon!" The boy pressed a button, the rope went taut, and Ed was flung away, only to hit a tree about five yards from the starting point.

After a beat, May casually strolled to him. "...where did you get that rope from?"

The boy fell on his back. "Hammerspace."

"...wait, what?"

"Look," the boy raised his hands, "I just reach into my jacket's pocket, and then stuff comes out of it."

May raised an eyebrow. "What kind of stuff?"

"All kinds of stuff."

The girl stepped on the boy's feet, causing him to spring upwards like a rake in a slapstick gag. "So, if I wanted, say, a bottle of Chateau de Yabolle '64, I could pull it from there?"

The boy shrugged. "You can try if you want."

May put her hand inside the pocket and started searching around.

"Hmm..." she muttered, as the hand got shoulder-deep inside. "Almost... feeling like... there!"

With a triumphant expression, she pulled out something from the boy's pocket. Her smile quickly turned into scowl, as the item turned out to be a can of Bud Lite.

"Crap." she muttered, dissatisfied.

**THE BIG PICTURE**

"M-my room..." Ed slumped down on his knees, tears appearing in his eyes.

After Ed's parents had found out about their escapade to Mondo-a-Go-Go, he was forced to sleep on a couch in the living room for a few days. Now him and his friends could see why. His room was thoroughly cleaned, everything apart from his mattress was taken away, and the walls were painted sterile white.

"Good Lord." Edd whispered, shocked. "This has officially crossed the line. This... this isn't disturbing anymore... this is... this is..." he stammered. "...I'm at loss of words."

"I've got one for you, Sockhead." his stout friend growled. "'Cockmongery'." He patted his friend on the shoulder, doing his best to not snap, run upstairs, and give the two twatfaces a piece of his mind. "It's going to be fine..." If he could just do something with it...

And then, a brilliantly devious idea popped in his head. Grinning, he leaned over and whispered a few words to his sockhatted friend.

"...so, what do you think?" he finished.

"Any moral concerns I would usually have are ultimately rendered void." he replied with a scowl. "To heck with Ed's parents."

"What-" Ed sniffed, "what are you talking about?"

Eddy's grin widened. "You'll see..."

* * *

Two days later, Eddy was redecorating his brother's room, when he was interrupted by someone ringing a doorbell repeatedly.

"Hold on, I'm coming!" He shouted, walking to the front door, trying to outshout the constant ding-dongs. As he opened it, he noticing Sarah on the other side. Judging by the smile on her face, she thoroughly enjoyed her brother's suffering, the selfish bitch.

"Oh, it's you." he muttered.

"Have you seen Ed's room?" she asked, slightly excited.

"Yeah, we did. You must be happy with that, dipstick." he wanted to slam the door, only for the girl to block it.

"No, Did you see what Ed did to it?" she elaborated.

"No, I didn't." he replied.

"You just have to see it!" she said, grabbing Eddy's hand and pulling him to her house. He followed, curious what Lumpy did with his gift from him. They walked to the house, entered through one of the basement windows, and Eddy found himself with his jaw on the floor.

Literally all walls were drawn on. Demons, vampires, werewolves, zombies, lost civilizations battling each other, all amazingly crafted, vividly colored, and blending together into a single painting. Some of the creatures seemed to be jumping out of the drawing, ready to pounce at the boy. The boy felt intimidated, impressed and amazed at the same time,

"You like that?" Eddy was snapped out of his trance by Ed, sitting on his bed, proud, with a black marker in his hands.

"Pity Mom will probably have it cleaned when she'll find out."

Her brother scowled, to which his friend replied "Then I'll buy him another pack of markers."


	5. Character Study and Lame Self-Inserts

**STANDARDS**

_I'm about to frickin' die of boredom_, Eddy thought, staring blankly at a clock hanging above the blackboard. Thirty minutes of detention remained, and he was out of homework to do, leaving him with nothing else but pondering about life, the universe, and similar crap.

Deep down, as much as he hated to admit that, he wasn't a bad guy. Sure, with all the scams he tried to do he wasn't exactly Lawful Good on the chart, but he didn't want to hurt anybody. The other kids could live without a quarter or two, they had enough allowance, he didn't get any. All those scams simply went to heck because of Ed being Ed, him not listening long enough to get to the part about red buttons, or the _mothertrucking_ Kankers wrecking it for laughs and giggles.

Double D tried to explain their behaviour with some Freudian excuses, and how they seemed to be raised without a father figure. Load of bull. Him, Lumpy and Sockhead had it worse at their homes, and you didn't see them beating people up for the heck of it. Those trailer trollops didn't have stairs to their room removed when their mother grounded them.

The boy clenched his teeth. Oh, how much he wanted to show 'em. All of 'em. Just grab a pipe, whack all of 'em in the face, kick 'em in the groin, watch them suffer. But he couldn't. His _standards_ wouldn't let him.

What was the point of those _standards_, anyway? They were only getting in the way. How easy would it be to just break into someone's house, nick something valuable, and then pawn it for candy? It's not like he couldn't just talk Ed and Edd into following his plan, those two were following him with any other dumb plan he had.

But that would make him as bad as those trailer trash trollops. Or even worse, his brother. That's something his ego wouldn't forgive him. He thought himself better than them.

He looked at the clock again. Twenty eight minutes remaining.

**PROLOGUE**

"Guys, here's the plan," Eddy explained, "we grab some random trash, tape it together and sell that as a sculpture or something."

"With what passes for contemporary art, this concept doesn't seem doomed from the start." his smart friend commented. "Though I hope it will not involve canned excrement."

"The sad part is, I know what you're alludin' to."

The trio turned around the corner and the short Ed bumped into someone.

"Watch where ya goin'!" he snapped, then looked up and lost his colors, realizing who's standing in front of him.

"Oh look, our boyfriends!" Lee grinned, showing her fake tooth.

"I missed you, Oven Mitt." Marie purred, moving closer to her preferred victim, who started backpedaling.

"Yeah... " May started, only to cut short. All five looked at her expectantly.

After a beat, Edd asked in a theatrical whisper, "What's the matter?"

"I forgot my line." she replied.

"You forgot your line?" Lee raised her voice. "Just fucking ad-lib something! It can't be that hard, we keep doing the same thing over and over and over again!"

"You're breaking character." the tall boy mouthed.

"Breaking what?" the redhead went on. "There's no fucking character to break! It's all the same diabolii-ex-machina bullshit!"

**Excuse me.**

"And you're complainin'?" the stout Ed retorted. "At least you don't get flipped over at the end of every-single-goddamn-"

_**Ahem.**_

"Can it, Barth!" both of them shouted.

Before they could return to screaming at each other, they were interrupted by a whip snap. The group spun around to notice the author with a repurposed Ethernet cable in his hand.

**Alright, whiners, **he spat,** you think my storytelling skills are subpar. But I don't see **_**you**_** having any better ideas.**

As if on cue, all of them pulled out some sort of notebooks or stacks of paper.

"Surprising levels of synchronization." Edd remarked.

**...alright, I didn't see that one coming. **The creator scratched his head, having lost his steam.** Maybe there **_**is**_** something worthwhile here. I'm just going to filter those a bit before looking at 'em, okay?**

The sextet nodded.

**Alright, first, you can discard all your ideas in which one of the characters ends up saving the day all by himself by virtue of being the coolest kid on the block.**

The entire group threw or tore away some sheets, with Eddy losing about three-fourths of his ideas.

**No jokes that require an extensive knowledge of any subject. That includes monster movies, Ed.**

The tall boys discarded noticeable chunks of their notebooks. Marie also pulled out a page from hers and threw it away.

"What was noted there?" the sockheaded boy inquired.

"Just a joke involving integrals and double entendres."

**Oh, thanks for reminding me. **The author pointed at the blue-haired girl. **No smut.**

The Kanker scowled, throwing her entire notebook away. After some hesitation, May removed a page from her stack, and hid it in her pocket.

**No stories where one trio kicks the shit out of the other.**

Eddy became another person with nothing left in his hands, while Lee was left with a few sheets of paper left. "Bloody killjoy." the boy muttered.

**Aaaaaand no romances. I'm not a fan of those.**

Lee and May threw away their remaining paper, scowling. Edd started giggling to himself.

"What you're laughing at?" the youngest Kanker snapped.

"It's not about you." Smiling, he pointed at a piece of paper in his hand. "That drabble written by Marie was surprisingly witty."

**Well, only Ed and Double D remained on the battlefield. **The author had taken the latter's notebook and started flipping through it.**...Sockhead, I did mention something about obscure jokes, now, didn't I?**

"I genuinely fail to see what's obscure about it. Mating rituals of ladybugs are relatively common knowledge."

Eddy, Lee and Marie let out a silent chuckle, while the creator sighed and picked up Ed's notebook, opening it on a random page.

_**They ait icecream, they were happi. The End,**_he read out loud.

The eldest Kanker shrugged. "Good enough for me."

"Who's in favour?" Her middle sister raised her hand.

All six plus the author followed suit. Then, they all received a bucket full of frozen goodies.

Lee opened it and looked inside. "Can I get some without raisins?"


	6. Comedy, Comedy, Comedy, Drama

**AWARENESS**

"You've ever heard of the Bechdel test?" Nazz asked, leaning against a school locker.

"Yes, I did." Edd replied, searching for a spare pen five lockers to the left. "I never really considered it an accurate measurement though."

"Really? Why?" the blonde asked, as the boy pulled out a small plastic case and opened it.

"In some settings, the presence of a woman, let alone two, is simply too unlikely." he pulled out a pen, put the case back in the locker and closed it. "That doesn't necessary disqualify the mat-" the Ed turned to her, only to freeze in place. "Oh, h-h-h-hi, M-m-m..."

The blonde did a one-eighty, only to spot a certain bluenette, facepalming. That was certainly a surprise, as she expected her to stare daggers at her or try to punch her in the stomach. "M-marie?" she took an unsure step forward. "Is everything all right?"

"Do we seriously need to go through that plot _again_?"

"What plot?" Nazz decided to not break character just yet.

"The same plot of every shipping fic ever written." the Kanker sighed. "Alpha and Beta are friends, or dating, or about to date, or whatever, and Gamma is a jealous one-dimensional twat that gets in the way of their _twue wuv_." She scowled. "Everybody knows how this will end: you two will be together forever, and I will either apologize profusely or get hit by a speeding train."

"First of all," Edd regained composure, "just because I talk to a member of the opposite sex, doesn't mean I'm romantically interested in them. And more to the point-"

Then, a train crashed through the wall and sped down the corridor.

After a few seconds needed for the dust to settle, Nazz opened her eyes, to notice Marie plastered to the wall, having narrowly dodged the engine.

"See?!" she shrieked. "_That's _what I'm talking about!"

Nazz scratched her head. "I dunno. After all, you weren't hit by that train in the end."

"Assistance please." Edd whimpered, face down, flat on the floor.

**PARENTAL**

**Written on 26th May, aka Mother's Day in Poland  
**

Edd was running down the street with a sizable bouquet of tulips in his hand, when he bumped into the Kanker sisters, minding their own business.

"With all respect, ladies, I have no time for the usual molestation gag." he tried to move past them, only to be yanked back by the collar.

"Aw, come on, Oven Mitt." Marie replied with a stock perverted grin on her face. "I see you brought me flowers."

"They're for my mother." the boy corrected. "It's Mother's Day today. Now excuse me, my parent is currently in another city and I have a bus in five minutes."

After a beat, the girls glanced at each other.

"You forgot, didn't you?"

"Shaddup and spare three tulips."

* * *

"Oh mooooom!" the Kanker sisters peeked inside the kitchen in which their mother was preparing dinner.

"What?" she grumbled, chopping up garlic.

"You remember what day we have today?"

"No idea." she replied without turning to them.

Lee, May and Marie marched into the kitchen each with a flower in her hand and a smile on her face, prompting their parent to turn around. After glancing at them, the breadwinner scoffed.

"Alright, what did ya break this time?"

**EVERY FANFICTION I'VE EVER WRITTEN**

An Ed and a Kanker are sitting in a room, because reasons.

"Aren't you going to ravish me?" the boy asked.

"Nah, it's boring." the girl replied.

Awkward silence.

"Y'know," the Ed remarked, "when you aren't a sadistic bitch, you're kinda cool."

"Thanks." The girl pulled out a dildo/a butterfly knife/a bottle of alcohol from her pocket. "Oh look, I have an interest that kinda fits a lower class bastard female teenager. I'm not flat anymore."

"Yay."

More awkward silence.

"Y'know, I don't really like you, that psycho stalker act was just to piss you off." the Kanker admitted. "But you're, like, in top three of all the guys I've ever met. Wanna go on a date?"

"With all respect, no." the boy replied. "You're still creeping me out."

"But it's not out of the question?"

"Not entirely."

Another pause.

"Fourth wall breaking."

"Sex joke."

And then they ate cookies or something.

**FLATTERED**

**Inspired by an idiotic comment on deviantArt.**

Lee walked into the trailer.

Or more accurately, stumbled into the trailer, badly bruised. The blood was flowing from her nose and she was noticeably limping.

Marie looked at her sister and her eyes widened. "Jesus Christ, Lee!" she stood up, dropping the BL story she was reading, "Who the fuck did this to you?!"

"None of your business." The redhead tried to get past her to the kitchen sink, but the blunette blocked her.

"_Who did this?_" she demanded rather than asked. "I'll personally curbstomp the motherfucker."

Lee sighed. "You wouldn't believe me anyway."

* * *

Eddy was backing away from Lee, terrified. "C'mon, dreamboat. Stop resisting." she whispered.

"Back off, creep!" the boy shrieked, as he felt his back hitting a wooden fence.

"Aw come on, sweetheart." She walked to him and leaned against the fance, staring down on the shorter boy. "A hot chick is interested in ya. You should be flattered."

A brief pause followed. Lee didn't notice that a scared expression on Eddy's face was replaced with an angry frown.

And then the boy headbutted her.

She backed away, clutching her nose. having not expected a counterattack. The stout Ed followed up with repeated punches to her stomach and a kick to the ankle, causing the redhead to fall down on the ground.

"FLATTERED?!"

The stout Ed delivered another kick. "I!" And another. "SHOULD!" And another. "BE!" And another. "_FLATTERED_?!"

The Kanker curled, trying to shield herself from further blows.

"I should be flattered that a family of white trash whores spend the last year harassing me and my friends?!_" _

Kick.

"We don't even talk to any chicks 'cause we don't want 'em to get shanked by you psychos!"

Kick.

"Double _Dee" _A kick to the face. _"_had to go to a motherfucking psychotherapist because of that blue-haired slut and he should be flattered?!"

Kick.

"Ed freaks out whenever he sees a blond chick on the streets and he should be _flattered_?!"

Kick.

"YOU!"

Kick.

"FUCKING!"

Kick.

"BITCH!"

He stopped, staring at the girl, so proud and confident merely a minute earlier, now laying at his feet.

"I think you look fucking sexy bleeding on the ground, you twat." He spat, turning around. "Be flattered."

Then he marched away, almost sprinting, not waiting for the Kanker to stand up and retaliate.


	7. Bisexuality and Continuity

**TRANSCRIPTION**

Seems you don't want to talk to me. This is, like, the fourth time I'm trying to call you.

*sigh*

Hard to blame ya.

I'm a dick. There's no two ways around it. I had more than enough time to think about it, and a lot of people tried to cool me down. Even Lee Kanker called me to tell me to get my act together. Funny how sexually harassing a guy is a-OK in her book, but chewing off someone for being gay is horrible.

*groan* Not that they didn't have a point. Shitshitshitshit.

I'm sorry I freaked out back at school and I shouldn't have called you a faggot after you came out and what I did was petty and basically I'm a dipshit and -*long annoyed groan, followed by silence*.

I've known you since we were kids. I know you and Ed better than anyone else. You were always by my side in spite of all the shit I put you through. I stopped counting how many times we shared a bed when sleeping over. If anything, I should_ know _that you can keep your hands to himself and not be one of those... Argh, I'm going on a tangent again.

*long pause*

...we can still be friends, right? Like, normal friends without benefits? I don't want to lose you as a friend, you're a cool guy. Gay or not.

Please call back, Double D.

* * *

...how ironic. Now that I am able to call back, you seem to be away from your phone.

I wasn't answering you calls because I was out in town doing grocery shopping. Let me make this crystal clear: you hurt me, but I'm willing to forgive you. I accept the apology and appreciate it. Over the phone or not, admitting you made a mistake isn't by any means easy. I must admit, this is something I struggle with on those rare occasions I trip up.

And I wouldn't go as far as to call you a bad person. Clearly your bigoted views aren't anything to be proud of, and you have a number of other vices, but, as you put it yourself, our shared history isn't something either of us is willing to disregard. We probably could have a civilized discussion about your attitude towards the LGBT community, but I'd rather speak about those matters while in the same room as you.

And as a side note: I'm bisexual, not gay. That means I'm potentially interested in both genders, and not that I'm willing to make out with literally everyone I encounter. I won't change, I'm still the same meek polite intelligent man I was before my coming out. You don't have to be afraid of me.

Looking forward to hear from you, _sweetheart. *_chuckle_* _Please forgive me, I couldn't resist a joke at your expense. You don't need to worry about me showing interest in you. Well, as long as you won't lose 20 pounds. *slightly longer chuckle*

**PERSONAL BUBBLE**

"I'm worried about you, Double D." Eddy said, digging through his locker.

"Why?" his slim friend asked.

The short boy rubbed his eyes and sighed. "Do you really expect everyone to just... _not mind_you being gay?"

"Bisexual."

"Whatever."

"Why would they mind that, Eddy?" Ed asked, reading the newest issue of _Space Gem Lesbians._

"Because people are jerks." He pulled out a textbook and slammed the door of his locker. "They'll latch onto any reason to pick on you. Too short, too smart, too into-other-guys..."

"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Edd smiled.

"And when they grab the sticks and stones, whatcha gonna do, Sockhead?" He tried to push the boy away from him, just to prove a point.

His hands hit a solid object.

"What the..." Eddy watched, half-surprised and half-amazed as a cylindrical blue-tinted barrier surrounded his smart friend.

"Wow!" Ed reacted. "It's almost like Stephen's the Shieldbearer's bubble!" He showed his friends the cover of his comic, depicting the character in action.

"What the heck is that?" the stout boy asked, moving his hands around the barrier.

"A personal force field, generated by a small device attached to my wrist. Designed and constructed by me." Edd smiled proudly.

"That's awesome!" Eddy cheered. "Why didn't you build something like this earlier?!"

"Technically, I did so." The boy paused for a moment. "The thing is, some issues arose during the field tests..."

* * *

The door to Edd's room were kicked open by a certain blue-haired girl. "Hel-_looooo,_Oven Mitt!"

The boy nonchalantly spun around on his chair. "As far as my nicknames go, I think I prefer "Double D"." he said, pressing a button on his wrist. A bluish cylinder enveloped him.

"What's that thing?" Marie asked, without missing a beat.

"Why won't you come and touch it?" the boy smiled menacingly.

The Kanker treated that as an invitation. With two steps of a running start, she leaped at the boy, trying to tackle him.

Then, they felt the spark between them, as 220 Volt went through their bodies. Both of them toppled and fell on the floor

"Was it... supposed to work like that?" Marie muttered, face down.

"Must... adjust... voltage..." the boy replied.

**FLATTERED II**

Someone knocked on the door.

Lee didn't even bother to stop reading. "Someone open the door!"

"I'm busy!" Marie screamed from the other side of the trailer.

"On the toilet!" May shouted from the bathroom.

The eldest sister sighed. After someone rapped on the door again, she rose from the couch, setting aside her book_._"Coming!" she shouted, walking to the door. If this was another door-to-door seller, they just earned themselves a surprise punch in the stomach.

As she opened the door, she realized that even though she wasn't correct about the identity of her guest, the desire to hit him hard didn't go away.

"'Sup?" Eddy greeted her, an expression of a death row inmate on his face.

"Get outta here." Lee growled.

"Okay then." The boy took a deep breath. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for beating you up and even though you're a bitch, you didn't deserve that. That's all, see ya." He turned around, only to get grabbed by the collar and pulled back.

"Not so fast."

Eddy gulped.

"I don't think I get it." the redhead said. "You literally came to my house to say sorry for beating the crap outta me?" she asked. The boy couldn't determine if she was angry, amused, or just surprised.

At that point he closed his eyes and waited for a punch. "Yes. Yes I did." Both of them were surprised at how confident he came off.

Lee stared at him with disbelief, then started chuckling to herself. "And what did you expect? That I'm gonna say it's all fine," she lifted her tank top to reveal the bruises on her stomach, "those will disappear and we'll go get ice cream?"

"No, I thought I'll stop feeling like crap_._" the boy muttered, lowering his head. "That didn't work."

The boy just wanted to get punched in the face, kissed, felt up, whatever, and go back home. He got carried away and beat the shit out of another person, and then went right into the den of the lion because of his guilt. This wasn't going to end well.

Lee glanced at him. "What am I supposed to do with you?"

"Let go." Eddy deadpanned.

She released his collar. "Okay. Get out." She dismissed him with a hand gesture.

"Huh?"

"All's forgiven. Leave, scram, run away."

The boy's mind was constantly switching between the states of 'tactical withdrawal, now' and 'what the heck is going on?'. Ultimately, the latter prevailed, and he blurted out "What? What do you mean?"

Lee scanned her surroundings to check if no one was about to witness her confession, then peeked into her trailer to see if her sisters were out of earshot. Then, she turned back to Eddy. "Y'know, this wasn't the first time I got kicked in the face, and I'm sure it wasn't the last one. But no one actually came back and said he was sorry, that it was his fault. That's..." she paused, mincing her words "...kinda nice, I think."

"It's just basic human decency." the boy shrugged.

"Apparently I was dealing with reptilians up to now." the girl snarked, prompting him to chuckle. "Let's just pretend this never happened, and I'll let it slide, _for once._" The emphasis put on the last two words made the Ed shudder, just a little bit.

"O-okay then." the boy said, feeling some strange relief. "I gotta go, I told Double D to call the police if I won't be back in an hour."

"One more thing though." Lee raised her finger. "That part about Sock-in-a-Knot visiting a shrink... was that true?"

Eddy sighed. "Yeah." The Kanker felt a teeny tiny pin poking her shriveled conscience. "I think it's not just your sister, he's been having some issues with his parents and... other things..."

"I'll... try and talk to her about it." She patted him on the back. "Now go, I don't feel like explaining to mom why there's a policeman looking for a guy in the trailer."


	8. (Romance Intensifies)

**A/N: Yup, this one breaks my unwritten rule of "the chapters must have 1000 words". The thing is, one of the stories was relevant to the current holiday, and posting it later would look slightly out of place.**

**Happy Polish Day of Epilepsy Patients, by the way :P**

_**PETTY AUTHOR WRITES SIX WORD FANFICTIONS (ft. Mr Dusk)**_

The scam fell apart, once again.

* * *

Eddy left, there was much rejoicing.

* * *

Ed tried to block the screams.

* * *

Plank saved the day, once again.

* * *

Double D embraced his tired parents.

* * *

Ed got thrown out. Sarah laughed.

* * *

"Dorks!" Kevin screamed, as they escaped.

* * *

Everyone hated Sarah. She didn't care.

* * *

"I don't deserve better." Lee thought.

* * *

Ed got bored and fought Godzilla.

* * *

"Hand over Rolf's chickens now, Ed-boy!"

* * *

Nothing special was under his hat.

* * *

"Baby shoes, never worn!" Eddy advertised.

* * *

Kevin was happy for once … not!

* * *

Marie, drunk. Edd, ditto. Separate beddings.

* * *

Sadly, Ed couldn't count to six.

* * *

May sighed. "I'm sorry." she mumbled.

* * *

Eddy opened his eyes. "It worked?"

* * *

"Do not DARE to hurt Sarah."

* * *

The three Eds held on together.

_**WOULDN'T HURT TO ASK**_

"I _still _think that it's a bad idea." the eldest Kanker muttered.

"C'mon, Lee." Marie replied. It's not that we have any better options."

"Asking won't hurt." May added. "Oh, there's Double D." she pointed at the boy in front of the house at the end of the street. He was picking up some metal bits from the ground, with a sizable bandage on his left elbow.

The girls marched to him and the ringleader, with the usual Kanker subtlety, poked him in the shoulder. "Yo, Two-D."

He recoiled with a hiss, raised his head and looked at them, with an unusually vicious scowl. "Yes?" he growled.

"We're in a bit of a pickle, Double D." Marie said. "You wouldn't happen to have a tenner to spare?"

He stood up, visibly struggling. "I am currently cleaning the debris after our last scam backfired." He said, each syllable slowly rolling off of his tongue. "The only reason it didn't end up severely wounding our peers is because my friends and I were in the way." He lifted his shirt to reveal a sizable blood-stained bandage wrapped around his torso. "As I am in the best shape out of the three of us, I was delegated to clean up the mess. With all respect, I lack both the funds to spare and the tolerance for your usual shenanigans, so _please _do me a favour and stay out of my way_._"

He turned around and returned to his task. After a moment of silence, the Kankers took a hint and marched away.

"Told you!" Lee hissed.

"Hey, it didn't hurt to ask, did it?."

_**CARD**_

„Hey, shorty!"

The boy turned around to notice Lee Kanker climbing over the fence. _Of course._ Just on the day he had managed to get some cash without an angry mob of peers wanting to lynch him, the trailer trash tramp decided to bug him. Then again, with the day in question being the fourteenth of February, he _really _should've seen that coming.

"You ain't gonna run or anything?" she asked, landing on the ground, the snow cushioning her fall.

"I just want this done fast." He muttered. "They're closing the candy store in twenty minutes."

"Okay then, if you want it fast…" She pulled out something from her pocket and shoved it in the boy's hand. On the outside, it looked like a normal, if bent, blank card with a heart crudely drawn with a red pen.

"What is this?"

"Open it and see for yourself." The girl looked at him expectantly.

Without doing so, he silently inspected the card from all angles. "It's a trap, isn't it?"

"Yes, of course." She rolled her eyes, which, given her hairdo, went unnoticed. "When you open it, a small sedated dart will get launched in your face, injecting a chemical that'll knock you out in an hour. Then I'll drag you to my trailer and force you to do my dishes."

Eddy glared at her, unsure whether she was sarcastic or not. "Um…"

The girl facepalmed, yanked the card from the boy's hand, opened it, and showed the inside to him. It contained a $5 banknote held in place by a paper clip, and a haiku written next to it.

_Snowflakes from the sky  
Gently fall down on the ground  
Happy Valentine's_

"Yeah, it's sappy, but it's the only thing I could come up with that didn't involve knives, murder or blood."

Eddy looked at her. "So, you're just being nice to me, because…"

"Well, I thought that your life is kinda hard even without me messin' with ya." She explained. "And besides, let's be honest, I've spent too much time and effort making your life harder and-"

She was interrupted by the boy grabbing her palm and kissing it.

"Thanks, Lee. That was nice of ya."

He turned around and walked away. After a beat, Lee shouted:

"Aw _come on_, that was worth at least a kiss on the cheek!"

"_Shorty_ couldn't reach it."


	9. MARIE TIME, or The Most Overrated Kanker

_**CONTEMPORARY ART**_

Lee was digging through her locker when she felt someone pat her on the shoulder.

She turned around, registered Eddy standing in front of her, and felt his lips touching her cheek for about three-fifths of a second. Then he did a one-eighty and broke his personal speed record running away. She heard her middle sister screaming after him. "That one didn't count!"

"That was a kiss!" he shouted from a distance. "My lips touched her!"

"Marie," the redhead glanced at her sister, "what the heck just happened?"

-* 45 MINUTES EARLIER *-

"Edward McGee." The teacher glanced at the boy's homework. "Come forth."

He stood up with the expression of a death row inmate and marched to the desk, as everyone looked at him, wondering what did he do.

"Is this a joke?" She pointed at a sheet of paper on her desk.

"This? No." The boy took a deep breath. "This is supposed to symbolize the fact that a lot of women don't end up doing what they want to do because of the remnants of the patriarchy blocking their attempts at creativity. A glass ceiling or something."

The teacher rubbed her chin. "Hmmm... I see it now..." she muttered to herself. "I suppose this is worth a B. Good job Eddy. Sit down."

The boy returned back to his place, his expression unchanged.

-* 45 MINUTES EARLIER *-

"Whatcha doing?" Marie leaned over the stout boy desperately trying to scribble something on a sheet of paper.

"Piss off, Kanker!" Eddy hissed back, with the special kind of charm he had reserved for the sisters.

"Is that your Art homework?" she glanced over the boy's shoulder. "It's kinda unfinished."

"Any other smart observations?" He muttered, without bothering to look up.

"You want help?" She sat down next to him. "I can get you out of this mess if you go and kiss Lee after this class. She's in a rotten mood, could use some cheerin' up."

He groaned. "Alright, fine. What's your plan?"

"Well, the step one is..." She pulled out a sharpie from her pocket and doodled something on the sheet. "...done."

"...you literally just drew a crude dick on it."

"That's just step one." the Kanker explained. "Step two is pretending you did this because of some artistic vision."

The boy rubbed his chin. "Any suggestions?"

"Just repeat after me..."

_**WITH APOLOGIES TO MR B**_

"Knock knock." A blue-haired girl peeked into Edd's room. "Is my Oven Mitt home?"

"Please consider bothering me in an hour or so." the boy muttered, indifferent. "I am having my music practice right now."

Disregarding the boy's plea, Marie entered the room. "You're playing a midget banjo now?" she asked, pointing at the instrument in his hands.

"It's called _banjolele._" the boy elaborated. "And yes, indeed I am. I have decided to swap my lap steel guitar for something less cumbersome."

"So," she moved closer; too close for Edd's comfort, "since you're already plonking on that thing, why won't you play your girlfriend a serenade?"

He gently pushed her away. "Considering your upstanding behavior, how could I refuse?" He coughed, cracked his knuckles, and started strumming the strings with his hand, singing:

_I thought,  
you really were a tease,  
but you've had  
venereal disease.  
I'm sorry my advances  
may have doubled my chances  
of contracting a venereal disease (here we go)._

Edd bowed his head in a slightly mocking manner, glancing at the appalled bluenette in front of him. "How do you find it?" he asked.

"That was _not _a serenade." Marie growled.

"And you are _not _my girlfriend." he retorted.

The next thing he registered was a slap in the face, powerful enough to throw him off of his chair. "Upper class twat." she muttered, marching out of the room.

After a moment needed to process what happened, Edd muttered to himself: "This is one of those inconsiderate things I cannot force myself to regret."

_**TIME TRAVEL TROUBLE**_

Lee entered the trailer park, her backpack filled with food she had bought in a nearby supermarket.

She was tired, she needed to pay with her own cash 'cause her mom was broke again and all she wanted is to get back home, slump on the couch and watch TV till midnight. And anyone who would try and stop her would get a kick in the nether regions.

She was a few steps away from the door when suddenly, a spot on the ground next to her started to glow. She inched away and pulled out a knife, as the spot quickly grew, and, after a split second and a loud crack, a man in his late twenties wearing a labcoat, jeans and an unmistakable black hat covering his head appeared out of thin air.

"Um, greetings, Lee." he awkwardly muttered. "I am an older version of Eddward."

"The hat gave it away." she replied, holstering her weapon.

"I have travelled through time to warn you." he said. "You should not enter your trailer right now."

"Why?" she growled, discontent that her plans to kick back seemed to go down the drain.

"Well..." he stammered, not expecting more questions, "...b-because it might cause a temporal paradox due to... a t-time rift... and… stuff..."

"Outta the way." She pushed him aside, annoyed, and opened the door.

At the exact same moment, a woman in a band T-shirt and khakis, roughly the man's age, materialized inside with a crack and a flash. She grabbed the blue-haired girl, sitting on the couch watching TV, by the collar.

"Listen up!" she raised her voice. "If you don't want another Hitler to be born next week, _get in my pants!_"

"Ummm…"

"_PHOENIX MARIE KANKER!_" adult Edd shouted, getting inside. "What are you doing?!"

The woman looked up and realized she's not alone in the room. "Crap." she muttered, letting the younger version of herself go.

The man turned to the redhead. "I am sorry, Lee. I just wanted you to not witness... _this_."

"Meh." the eldest Kanker shrugged. "I've seen her sketchbook, I'm immune to stuff like this by now."

"You're a killjoy, you know that?" older Marie muttered, disappointed.

Edd glared daggers at her. "You stole a volatile prototype from my laboratory solely to go back in time to _literally screw yourself_! If _this_ is your definition of a killjoy-"

He was interrupted by the by-now-familiar flash and crack, as another person, a curly-haired redhead in a denim jacket, appeared in the room.

"Hi, me." she greeted her younger self. "How are you?"

The hatted man just stared at her, a scowl on his face. The youngest eldest Kanker chuckled. "This is better than the infomercials."

"Alright," adult Lee exclaimed, "Two-D seems pissed, so I'm just gonna give you those lottery numbers and leave." She shoved a piece of paper in her teenager version's hand. "See ya in ten years!" she saluted the group with a cheeky grin, then slapped the device on her wrist and disappeared.

The man facepalmed. "This experiment is a failure."

"You tell me." the redhead frowned. "Those are yesterday's numbers."


End file.
